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Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking
about retirement, as
everyone does when they hit 62. I saw an article about nursing and
retirement homes and the expenses.
Then it hit me. No nursing home for me! Here is my plan:
I'm checking
into the Holiday Inn. With the average cost for a nursing home reaching
$188
per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have
already
checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined
long-term stay
discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves
$138.77 a
day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room
service.
It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV
movies.
Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and
dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap.
And I'll be
treated like a customer, not a patient. Five dollars worth of tips a day
will have the entire staff scrambling.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap
bus
will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus
free on
Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and
eat at
one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport,
fly
somewhere.
Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into
decent
nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your
reservation
today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move
from Inn
to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV
broken? Light
bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.
They fix
everything and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night
security
person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If
not, they
will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a
hip,
Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a
suite
for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family.
They
will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a
mini-vacation.
The grand kids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for? When I discussed my plan with friends, they
came
up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees.
Most
standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV --
all
you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap,
you can
check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to
the
lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.
Many
Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends.
Often they
have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can
invite
your grand kids over after school to have a free dinner with you.
Just tell
them not to bring more than three friends.
Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep
you
company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish
about
unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you
go,
the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little
absent-minded
in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room --
your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk
clerk
is on duty 24/7.
Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the
feasibility
of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at
the idea
of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to
negotiate the
rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!
"So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just
forward all
your emails to the Holiday Inn!" |